Funny News Reports.

[Dan]

Car Phone

 

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned

that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking

the report called the phone and told the guy that answered

that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy

the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

 

Put Your Foot In Your Mouth

 

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the

midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

 

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in

jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

 

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little

casually today, aren't we?"

 

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company..."

 

Oil Change

 

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas,

after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of

marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car

which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change.

According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't

realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to

change the oil.

 

This Smells Odd

 

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home

parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he

bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an

ill man curled up next to a motor home trying to steal

gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's

sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle

declined to press charges, saying that it was the best

laugh he'd ever had.

 

A Penny Saved...

 

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I,

after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and

stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out

they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each,

and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that

police officers easily jumped him from behind.

 

Not Me!

 

The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that

a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said

he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into

a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for

breaking into the school.

 

A Little Gas

 

A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders (about $240)

for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde,

the Netherlands. The vet had been trying to convince a farmer

that his cow was passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the

vet ignited the gas, but the cow became a "four-legged

flame-thrower" and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay.

Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000. The cow was

unharmed.

 

The Lottery

 

Californian Bill Helko was thrilled when he had the winning numbers

in the local lottery, the first prize being $412,000.

 

He straight away went and ordered a Porsche, booked a family holiday

in Hawaii and had a champagne dinner with his wife and friends at an

expensive Hollywood restaurant.

 

When he went to pick up the winnings he found that 9,097 others had

also won first prize and his share of the jackpot was $45.

 

Thanks For Nothing

 

An ambulance was called to the aid of James Ritchie, thirty,

who was lying injured on a road outside Odell, Illinois. As it

arrived on the scene, the ambulance skidded on the snow-covered

roadway, then struck and killed Ritchie.

 

Check It Out

 

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in

March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched

without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer

didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's

jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher,

who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in

court. He handed it over so the judge could see it.

The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket

and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to

compose himself.

 

Spelling Errors and Wrong Notes - San Francisco

 

A man walked into the downtown Bank of America and on the back of

a deposit slip wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, the man

began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note and

might call the police before he could reach the teller.

 

So, the criminal left the Bank of America and walked across to the

street to Wells Fargo. After waiting in line for several minutes there,

he handed his note to a teller. After reading it, the teller determined

that this robber was perhaps a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

 

She told him that because his note was written on a Bank of America

deposit slip, she could not honor his demand. He would either have to

fill out a Wells Fargo withdrawal slip or go back to the Bank of America.

 

Feeling defeated, the man said he understood and left. The Wells Fargo

teller promptly called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes

later--still waiting in line at the Bank of America.

 

May I Take Your Order? - Ypsilanti, Michigan

 

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a

Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50am flashed a gun and demanded cash.

 

The clerk tuned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register

without a food order.

 

When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available

for breakfast.

 

The man, frustrated, walked away.

 

The Perfect Scam - Australia

 

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

 

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

 

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

 

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present

these checks to their banks. The name of the company:

"The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

 

Don't Defend Yourself - Oklahoma City

 

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store

in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district

attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending

himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber.

 

Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said,

"I should of blown your [expletive] head off!"

The defendant paused, then quickly

added, "- if I'd been the one that was there."

 

The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.

 

How Does That Work?

 

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who

were showing their squad car computer equipment to

children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how

the system worked, the officers asked to use his I.D.

for an example. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license,

they entered it into the computer, and moments later they

arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed

that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery

in St. Louis, Missouri.

 

Bumbling Bank Robber

 

MIAMI, Florida (Reuters) -- A man the FBI dubbed the "bumbling bank robber" was convicted after investigators matched his DNA to the gold teeth knocked out when a van hit the fleeing suspect, prosecutors said Wednesday.

 

Charles Edward Jones was convicted of bank robbery Tuesday in U.S. District Court and faces up to life imprisonment, U.S. Attorney Marcos Jimenez said.

 

On September 30, 2002, Jones walked into a Wachovia Bank in Miami, pulled a gun from his pocket and robbed a teller of about $16,000, according to trial evidence.

 

As he ran out of the bank, he stuffed the gun into his waistband, accidentally firing it into his pants. The bullet missed him but when he stepped into the street he was hit by a van delivering school lunches in the area, investigators said.

 

Jones managed to stumble to a waiting car, leaving two gold teeth, his gun and hat lying in the street, prosecutors said. The FBI later matched DNA from the teeth with Jones' DNA, proving he had been in the bank.

 

Jones was arrested a few days after the robbery at a Miami hotel, where agents found a sock full of money from the robbery stuffed into his trousers. The serial numbers from the recovered money matched the bills taken from the bank, Jimenez said.

 

Note To Mechanic

 

An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for

clunking sound when going around corners."

 

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a

moment later he heard a 'clunk'.

 

He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk'.

 

Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon

discovered the problem.

 

Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager

with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".

 

Creative Writing

 

A creative writing class at Slippery Rock University was asked to write

a concise essay containing the following elements:

 

Religion

Royalty

Sex

Mystery

 

The prize winner wrote:

 

"My God," said the queen, "I am pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

 

Change Please - New Jersey

 

A man walked into a 7-11, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.

When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for

all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.

 

The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--leaving the $20 bill

on the counter.

 

The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

[Lockon]

Lol at the last one

[T3A guy]

Don't forget to give credit to http://digitaldreamdoor.nutsie.com/pages/q...funny_news.html .

[SmokiestGrunl]

lol pretty funny