My Evil Plan

lmao Captain Obvious havent herd that in awhile.

Here we go I got everything from the site.

An evil-doer without an objective is a most tragic thing indeed. All that sinister potential going to waste, sitting around unused... It's no wonder the world is in the state it's in today. You will therefore want to come up with an evil purpose, something to devote your life towards and direct your dark energies full force.

1. World Domination

This is the biggie. World domination is one of the most powerful and rewarding of all evil objectives. Surprisingly, however, it's not as easy as one might think. It actually takes a lot of work. So let's take a look at a few of the sinister possibilities.

Military - This is the classic form of world domination in which you take over the earth through sheer military might and weapons of great power. To achieve this end you will want to begin building up your destructive arsenal as soon as possible. Nuclear missiles, armies, tanks, death rays, doomsday devices, giant robotic spider monsters... that sort of thing. You'll also want to formulate your master plan carefully (crush, kill and conquer usually works good), as well as train your troops in the subtle arts of looting and pillaging. Strategic alliances you can fiendishly break later are also a good idea. When you finally feel you are ready, unleash your dogs of war on an unsuspecting world. Send forth destruction like the earth has never seen, and take over the planet in one fell swoop. Also, if you are worried about the United States or Russia stepping in to stop you, fret not. Chances are, if you are using this method, you are one of them!

Economic - The sheer crushing force of a multinational corporation is another excellent means of world domination, and in many ways a much more realistic one. By focusing your efforts on economic power and corporate influence, you can achieve world control without one soldier sent. What you will need to do is make the global market dependent on you for the products you make and jobs you provide, and then collect enough land holdings to become a total monopoly. Purchase both the electric company and water works, and don't forget the four different railroads. Hotels on Park Place and Boardwalk are a foregone conclusion. Should you play your cards right, your corporation will gain supreme power and your lobbyists will eventually have more say than the political leaders themselves. Each decision you make will influence millions of lives, and the prosperity of the world will depend upon your ambivalence. Provided you have any, that is.

Ideological - One of the more truly evil means by which to take over the world is through the use and manipulation of belief systems. Where you become spokesman behind a particular ideology, one so powerful and mindless there is no choice but for it to sweep the planet. Religion is the best example of this, though political movements work as well (see Christianity or Marxism for more details) The main thing to do with this method is construct a belief system so sinister that people actually want to follow it. One based on humanities hatred and self-loathing, with some bit at the end on how you are the one true god. Should your message be strong enough, every man, woman and child will slowly fall under your control. You will be named spiritual king, and while there still may be countries of geographical boundary, there will be but one country of the mind, and it will be yours to command.

Shadow - The use of shadow governments and secret societies is yet another viable means of world domination. Rather than being the one in the limelight (i.e. the presidents and dictators who make themselves an obvious target) you can instead go the route of power behind the throne. The ancient conspiracy secretly pulling the strings and influencing events on a worldwide scale. The Illumaniti is a perfect example of this, and you will want to follow their lead by infiltrating every aspect of human life. Hide your agents inside the political goverment, as well as the military, Freemasons, NRA and post office. Should anyone begin to suspect anything simply eliminate them and then replace their bodies with clones or animatronics. Before long you should be influencing issues of key importance, and though your actions will remain unknown (except from conspiracy theorists, perhaps), your control of the planet will be complete.

Mass-Media - This is a fairly new form of world domination, and one which has shown to be remarkably effective over the last several decades. Rather than using armies of destruction or multinational corporations to take over the world you can instead use the insidious power of media and language. Where you use pop culture itself as a weapon, far more effective than the atomic bomb. To achieve this end you will want to control every sort of information the people receive, and then set up the world in a "bubble" reality. You see, if the public doesn't know that a particular war is going on, or that we don't really need oil for cars, or that the president is a a brain-sucking alien from Dimension X, then they can't get angry about it. Furthermore, if you promote specific world-views into the media people watch, they can then be manipulated into a mindset of your choosing. People will think they are free but in reality be slaves, mindless and controlled by the very entertainment they pay to see. World domination for the new millennium.

2. Destroy the Earth

For as long as man has walked the earth he has longed to destroy it. From the club-wielding caveman to the modern-day creators of Pokemon, all have desired to end the world and demolish everything that exists. And you can be the one that makes it happen!

TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD

10) Really big boom.
9) Get to kill everyone.
8]Burning fires light up earth like Christmas tree.
7) Boiling seas like hot tubs.
6) ***** of Babylon a total babe.
5) Get to watch moon turn to blood - Cool!
4) Ravaging demons - 'nuff said.
3) Bio-plagues turn people funny colors.
2) Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Party animals! (Chug it! Chug it!)
1) Heart-to-heart talks with C'thulhu before he eats you.

Asteroids From Space - One rogue asteroid could skyrocket this planet back to the ice age. Death from above is thus another nefarious means of world destruction, though only really recommended for the most advanced evil geniuses. The reason for this is that it is unfortunately rather difficult to intentionally cause such collisions. Know that you will need two things to bring about said heavenly mayhem: an asteroid, and some sort of tractor beam. The first is easy enough, as they're practically everywhere. You can even use the moon if you're so inclined. The second, however, is a bit more difficult, in that you will need some sort of gravity generator. Though this may seem like a tall order, it really isn't, especially if you stockpile your lair with enough mad scientists. Just leave them to it, and before long you should have a weapon capable of taking out the earth in one fell swoop.

Deadly Viruses - Thanks to todays advancements in biological warfare there are now literally thousands of deadly viruses to decimate the earth's population. Horrific diseases that cause prolonged pain and suffering, that eat a person from the inside out and for which there is no known cure. Your best bet is probably the Ebola Virus, notable for its devastating effects and quickness of spreading. While most virulent in Africa, it is possible to find copies of it elsewhere, particularly in government laboratories and infected monkeys. Simply find someone on the inside who agrees with your "humanity must die" philosophy, use them and their access codes to smuggle out the disease, and within 72 hours the human race should be nothing but a faded memory.

Biblical Apocalypse - While many evil masterminds do not believe in any sort of God (except themselves, of course) it must be noted that biblical armageddon is a valid possibility. This classically depicted religious apocalypse can actually be quite sinister, what with the sky falling, dead rising from the grave and cities crumbling into dust. You can learn all about it by reading the Book of Revelations, a stunning read. Now, a few of you might be wondering about that whole good triumphing over evil thing described at the end, but you've got to realize that's just PR. If anything, the whole prophecy thing works against them, because it gives you in depth instructions as to everything that's going to happen, right down to the order of events! Success thus simply becomes a matter of analyzing the battle plans, finding a weakness and crushing them like Patton did to that German guy in WWII. A thousand years of darkness was never easier.

The Great Old Ones - Unleashing powerful supernatural forces to destroy all mankind is yet another delightful method of world destruction. This option is especially good due to the myriad of nightmarish horrors you can summon forth, ranging from Christian Devils to Babylonian Gods to unpronounceable Enochian Demons. Your best bet, however, would probably be the Great Old Ones, as described by famed weird fiction writer H.P. Lovecraft. These eldritch horrors are so mind-bogglingly incomprehensible that they can cause mass insanity simply through their very existence and devour the entire human race without even batting a tentacle. All you need do is obtain a copy of the Necronomicon, read aloud the blasphemous contents and then let the Things That Should Not Be wipe out the plague that is humanity. Death and destruction the way it was meant to be.

Thermonuclear Missiles - If all else fails, then you can consider the truly classic method of world destruction: thermonuclear missiles. This form of widespread death has long haunted the nightmares of millions, and not without reason. One well-placed nuke could result in a world war of epic proportions. As such, it may be just what you need to bring about global doom. The main thing to do is obtain some nuclear warheads, currently available from most arms dealers, and at rock bottom prices no less! If you happen to be short on funds then you can always build your own, provided you have access to plutonium and a lot of plate steel. Once you finally have your missiles then it's just a matter of letting them fly, and perhaps ransoming the world first. You are an evil mastermind, after all, and so might as well have a little fun before everything is annihilated into oblivion.

3. Widespread Misery

There is one thing that most evil-doers cannot abide, and that is happiness. Cheerfulness, contentedness, warm-fuzzy-I-love-you-ness, call it what you will. It's horrid. Wretched. And it must be stopped. Evil-doers try to attempt this in many ways, thus focusing their efforts on general badness and the spreading of widespread misery. To turn that smile upside-down into one big unhappy frown, and overall just make the world a worse place.

Criminal Activities - One of the first things you should consider is taking part in a wide variety of criminal activities. These are the lifeblood of the supervillain, the source of your evil and income and personal entertainment. Many like to do this through murder, dispatching their enemies with bladed projectiles or electrical death traps. Others prefer theft, spending their time robbing Fort Knox or stealing the crown jewels. Even vice is a valid possibility, with many entry-level positions now available in pimping or narcotics distribution. Whether you want to be a criminal mastermind, corporate ******* or just a common thug, illegal activities should be a top priority on everybodys "to-do" list.

Police State - Another method in which you can promote widespread despair is by transforming your country into one giant police state. An orwellian nightmare of secret police and honeycombed video cameras, with every home a prison and every citizen a slave. Doublespeak can become the language of the land as your government spreads to control all, with two plus two equaling five and free thought nothing but a distant memory. There will be no dissent, no hope, just an unending future of sorrow and darkness. Life the way it was meant to be lived: under your watchful eye, benevolent hand, and complete and maniacal control.

Environmental - An especially horrible technique for increasing general hopelessness is to promote widespread acts of environmental destruction. This will both make the world a physically wretched place to live in as well as create an irrevocable feeling of doom amongst the people. Good acts to engage in include deforestation, oil spills, and the constant manufacture of smoke stacks to pollute the air. Other possible befoulments include the careless disposal of dangerous chemicals, exterminating entire species of cuddly animals and sending out the litter squads en masse. All this and more is necessary to make the world a more horrid and dreadful place. If not for your children, then for your children's children.

Soul Accumulation - Many evil-doers also enjoy the fine sport of soul accumulation. This objective was originally only practiced by the Devil, but has recently expanded worldwide to a number of forms. The most common is that of a soul contract, in which you are granted ownership of the soul in exchange for their hearts desire. Another means is through the practice of the black arts, where you get to perform evil magical rites while wearing fashionable black robes. You can even attempt to trick the victims out of their souls through telemarketing scams and rigged contests. Whichever route you choose, just make sure that a constant supply of souls is being sent to Hell. Your infernal cohorts will undoubtedly be so pleased that they will reward you greatly and grant you your fondest wish. Or was it eternal damnation? Perhaps you should read the fine print…

Politics - Perhaps the best way to promote universal suffering is through the avenue of politics. Yes, the arena of oily hides and greased palms, where you screw your constituents and take 'em for everything they've got. The ways to do this are nearly endless, and all of them incredibly fun. Enact laws that eliminate any sort of rights or freedom held by the people. Justify authoritarian fear tactics by saying you are "tough on crime." Start wars with other nations and then bet against your country to clean up at the bookies. Accept briefcases full of money to let corporations dump toxic waste in old folks homes and petting zoos. Apply white-out to the constitution until it appears more to your liking. You know, the usual deal.

Now that you've got an evil career, you need to understand that there are certain individuals who will to try and stop your nefarious deeds. These misguided folk are known as the Forces of Good, and time and time again, just when you're ready to unleash your robotic army and invade all of Europe, they will arrive and stop you.

So just who are these guys? Why do they do the things they do? What could they possibly find wrong with destroying the earth and forty years of darkness? To get a better understanding of this unnatural mindset, please review the three disturbing scenarios below.

Scenario #1

You are walking through a city park when you suddenly come upon a young child. They are skipping along, lollipop in hand while singing a merry song. What do you do?

As a member of the forces of good, you *don't* steal the candy away! That's right, instead of ripping the lollipop from their hand as tears roll down their face, you pat the child on his head and let them continue on their way.

Scenario #2

A bank robbery is taking place. Masked men are carrying out sacks of money when suddenly they are forced to stop in their tracks. Some guy in spandex and a cape has appeared and is shouting "Begone evil-doers!" Question: Which of these people is you?

As a member of the forces of good, you would be the guy in the cape. That's right, the cape. Not the bank robbers, or the criminal mastermind behind them, but the fellow in blue and red tights trying to stop these people whose only crime is taking that which is not theirs.

Scenario #3

You have come upon an evil cult performing an ancient ritual of magic and sorcery. They are reading from an occult tome and as they chant out eldritch words a supernatural presence begins to appear. It is a horde of supernatural demons, risen to destroy the world and devour all that exists. Question: What do you do?

Strange as it may seem, as a member of the forces of good you actually try and *stop* the ritual. You don't let this wonderful gigantic supernatural being of nightmares and horror spell destruction for all humanity. No, you rush in and tip over a candle, thus disrupting the spell.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the disturbing mentality we are dealing with here. That incomprehensible do-goodness that we've come to hate so much. Well, get ready to hold on to something, because it's only gonna get worse from here.

THE GOOD MENTALITY

There are many different aberrations that make up the good mentality. They vary from person to person, and some are often stronger than others, but in general a member of the forces of good will have at least one of the following character traits.

Conscience: The most commonly held trait among heroes is a conscience. They will obey the law, keep their word, and try not to enslave all humanity. They will generally also protect the innocent and serve the common good whenever possible, something that should be exploited at every opportunity. For example, should a final confrontation between you and the hero actually happen, make it so they must choose between bringing you to justice or saving the city from your thermonuclear device. They'll choose the bomb every time.

Compassion: : Compassion is another characteristic often seen possessed by the good. Otherwise known as the selfless desire to help others, it all ends up being one thing: a bunch of time wasted on people who aren't worth it. Compassionate people also tend to be the most obnoxious, as they will often try to convert you rather than kill or capture. Expect a lot of "Why do you have to be so bad?" and "People like you make Baby Jesus cry." Resist it all you can, as well as their numerous attempts to show you the true meaning of Christmas.

Honor: Members of the forces of good also tend to abide by a concept called honor. This is a code of rules that they will base their lives around and follow to the death if need be. What this really means is that they are too afraid to writhe in chaos and so need some aesthetic concept called "order" to cling to. It must be noted however that some evil people are foolish enough to possess codes of honor as well. Try not to fall into this trap because it will really cramp your style. Take the following example: "You did well, MacGyver! You managed to escape my maze of death! I won't kill you... this time." What the hell is that? Kill him for god's sake! He's only going to come back next episode and thwart your evil scheme!

Honesty: Another trait that has been witnessed among the forces of good. Because they will always tell the truth, no matter the consequences, because of the curious belief that honesty is the best policy. Anyone who has worked in politics or law can tell you that this is definitely not the case, but their foolish truth-telling can actually be used to your advantage. Simply put the heroes in a situation where they are forced to do something they don't want, or can't resist, and then have them be confronted about their actions. They'll have no choice but to admit to their misdeeds, and then their family/loved ones/pet dog will spurn them.

Courage: Continuing further, another rather disturbing hero trait is courage. For some unknown reason heroes will take a bullet for the president, leap into burning buildings or try to defuse the bomb instead of running for their lives. Why they're not wiped out already we'll never know. They also won't necessarily back down in the face of overwhelming odds, standing tall as your hundreds of minions surround them with pointy weapons. Bravery must therefore always be taken into account when dealing with the heroes, because just when you think you've got them beat they'll suddenly pounce on you with a dagger shouting, "Not today, Fritz!"

Pity: Perhaps a hero's greatest weakness is pity. The unthinkable will happen and your evil scheme will have gone all wrong. You will be blubbering for mercy with a knife at your throat… and they'll stop. Instead of killing you like the threat you are, they'll adopt a pose and say, "No. I'm not going to kill you. I'm not like you, evil guy!" They will generally then let the authorities take you away, whom you can of course always escape from. Be sure to use this Achilles heel whenever possible, as it will allow you to fight (and win) another day.

HERO TYPES (AND HOW TO THWART THEM)

To further help you identify the heroes, here are a number of the different archetypes and some various ways to deal with them.

Defender of Justice: The most common hero type is the defender of justice. These are the crime fighters and caped crusaders, the noble folk who uphold the law and try to stop evil in all its forms. These misguided champions are guaranteed to be a major thorn in your side, thwarting your schemes while spouting nonsense about truth, justice, and the (insert country here) way. They also like to form entire leagues of heroes, which means you might have to fight a whole team of these spandex-wearing maniacs. Keep on the lookout for them, for they are popular favorites and will often have entire towns rallying behind them.

How to thwart them: The defender of justice is perhaps your greatest enemy, and so you will want to annhilate them utterly. Use guns, explosives, poisons, whatever it takes to get them out of your hair. Just do it quickly, because they are a grievous threat and your greatest obstacle towards the destruction or taking over of the world.

Angry Cool Guy: Another hero that pops up everywhere these days is the angry cool guy. These gritty anti-heroes spell nothing but trouble and can usually be identified by their leather jacket, thick scar and three day growth of beard. They are generally known for their antisocial behavior, often getting into fist fights and barroom brawls for no good reason. Unfortunately, they also tend to do the right thing in the end, despite their contempt for the rules and "rebel without a cause" attitude. Don't even try to covert them, as nothing bring them more pleasure than giving a villain his due.

How to thwart them: Your best bet with the angry cool guy is to look even more gritty and hardcore. This will confuse their fragile minds and if you pull it off right, the audience may switch over to your side. With them rooting for you his power will be neutralized, and you can then dispose of him as you see fit.

The Bawdy Lass: The sleek and sassy heroine is yet another threat to your sinister schemes and should be avoided any way you can. Notable for their low necklines and razor sharp wit, they aren't afraid to speak their minds and will often put the more macho heroes in their places. This is their only good quality, however, because they otherwise feel a tremendous need to kick ass all over the place. They will smash your crime syndicate and foil your sinister schemes, all without breaking a nail. Avoid them if you can, because unless your minions are loyal you might just find them switching over to her side.

How to thwart them:There is typically a great deal of sexual tension between the bawdy lass and the angry cool guy, something that can be used to your advantage. Simply keep a lookout for arguing couples in disguise, and as they give furtive glances to each other move in for the kill.

Silent Loner: Many an evil-doer has fallen prey to the silent loner. You'll be sitting around, minding your own business and plotting nefarious deeds, when suddenly some mysterious stranger rolls into town and starts destroying all you have worked to create. They may come in the form of a lone gunslinger, mystical swordsman or one-man-army out for revenge. Whatever the case, know that they are nearly unstoppable and will oppose you at every turn. On the plus side they always travel by themselves, so at least you'll only have one opponent. One incredibly dangerous opponent, as these guys are tough and resourceful in ways you've never seen.

How to thwart them: The silent loner has no friends, and thus no one to vouch for him. It is therefore suggested you frame them for crimes they didn't commit, putting them in the wrong place at the wrong time. People believe what they see, and it looks quite bad if you are standing in the conservatory with a candlestick over the body of Colonel Mustard.

The Sidekick: Beware the sidekick, in all his forms. They are not the harmless idiots you think them to be. These individuals are a real threat, and should be taken out at all costs. Why? Because they provide assistance to the hero just when they need it most. This might come in the form of a distraction, vital clue, or morale boosting one-liner. Occasionally they can even pull off a genuine rescue, saving the hero from an otherwise terrible death. You will therefore want to place them at the top of all your extermination lists, and be constantly vigilant towards their interfering and diminutive presence.

How to thwart them: Sidekicks are fairly easy to spot, as they have an annoying tendency to use such phrases as "Jumping Jillipers!" or "Golly Gadzooks!" Should you see any masked boys or girls uttering such inanities in your empire, have them put to death immediately.

Woman Warrior: The woman warrior is one of the more dangerous hero types existing in the world today. They may be an amazon through birth, the daughter of a god or some sort of mythic figure, but they are always well-versed in the arts of war. In battle they normally wield a sword or bow, though some like using enchanted lassoes. They also tend to dress in armor that protects an amazingly small amount of their body from attack. This is perhaps their greatest weakness, but unfortunately can almost never be used against them due to the way they jump and flip about. Truly a force to be reckoned with.

How to thwart them: Best to send in the goons for this one and watch from afar. If that doesn't work, you may want to try the unthinkable and become their love interest. Your dashing good looks will undoubtedly force them to fall under your spell, and you can then move in for the kill.

The Swashbuckler: This is a rather unusual one. For some reason there are a number of heroes out there who like swinging from chandeliers while gripping a dagger between their teeth as they sweep up the damsel and go flying off into the sunset. Also known for their fabulous swordplay, the swashbuckler is as skilled in the arts of romance as he is in heroism. Master of the dance as well as the bedside, his very appearance can cause women to faint and hearts to swoon. Which is really rather peculiar, considering the poofy shirts and britches he likes to wear. One of the great mysteries of the ages.

How to thwart them: The swashbuckler is a true swordsman and will fight like a hundred men. Thus, send in a hundred and one.

The Unlikely Hero: One of the more obnoxious hero types to emerge over the last several years is the wacky-wow-you'd-never-expect-them-to-be-a-hero hero. They can be anything ranging from a priest turned detective, gawky teenager sucked into the D&D universe or hooker with a heart of gold. They are universally annoying and tend to travel in packs, especially if age fourteen and a group of social misfits at Camp Wannacannitcha. Please understand it is vitally important you do not simply dismiss their side-splitting antics as harmless. Why? Because more often than not some chubby kid in glasses will save the day in the end, and you would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling kids.

How to thwart them: Break the cliches and try not to be a bumbling and stereotypical villain. Don't gloat, don't reveal your evil schemes, and don't wear a rubber mask they can simply yank off and prove it was Old Man Munson all along.

The Wise Mentor: You will also want to watch out for the wise old mentor. These individuals generally tend not be your main antagonist, but are dangerous just the same. These are the ones that will send your nemesis on his fateful journey, who will teach him the arcane knowledge and martial arts moves necessary to stop you every time. They also typically have some sort of relation to you, be it as a former teacher or student. This can be quite bad, as it gives them an intimate understanding of the inner workings of your mind. They are at least fairly easy to spot, however, with most living on mountain tops or desert planets, wearing brown robes and uttering cryptic haikus.

How to thwart them: These fellows are actually pretty easy to stop. All you need do is challenge them to a duel and then strike them down with your superior skill. They'll mumble some nonsense about how destroying them only makes them stronger, but don't believe a word of it.

The Lovable Animal Companion: Perhaps most disturbing of all is the animal companions that tend to follow heroes around on their journey. Be it a loyal dog, falcon on the shoulder, or some sort of cutesy ferret-thing, these little bastards are heinous and spell nothing but trouble. For not only do they elicit annoying awwwwww's from the audience every time they appear on the screen, they also have the unfortunate habit of assisting their master at the worst of times, just like the sidekick. You'll have locked up the hero in your dungeon to rot for a thousand years, no hope whatsoever, when all of a sudden some damn monkey appears and squeezes through the prison bars with the keys.

How to thwart them: It is highly suggested you comdemn all furry lovable animals to a terrible death in your kingdom. If not for protection, then for aesthetic value.

DEATH TRAPS

Death traps are another useful means for dispatching the heroes. These machinations of destruction have been used for centuries and are perfect for all your destructive needs. Here is but a sampling:

Hall of Mirrors - One of the more popular locales of death. The hall of mirrors can be found in any funhouse or amusement park and is an excellent place for final confrontations with the heroes. Simply lure them in through any number of reasons (such as rescuing a hostage or stopping you at last), and then cackle with glee as they find you reflected back not once but a thousand times! If they try and attack they will find you are only an illusion, and no matter how hard they look they will be unable to locate the real you. You can then seal the exits and start seeping in the poison gas, finishing off those who would dare to stop you.

Maze of Death - Another time-tested classic. Tracing its history as far back as Greek legend, what could possibly be better than a gigantic labyrinth of death? These wonderful mazes are filled with so many twists and turns that escape is near impossible and nothing is ever as it seems. Behind each corridor terrible death can await, through whirling blades and decapitating projectiles and stone statues come to life. You can even place a minotaur in the middle, ready to devour anyone who crosses its path. The only problem is getting the hero to actually enter the maze, so you'll probably want to kidnap their loved one or sidekick and place them right in the middle.

Pit of Doom - These structures are also quite good for offing the heroes, or at least getting them out of your hair for a while. By concealing a deadly nightmare beneath a trap door or bundle of sticks you can send do-gooders plummeting with nothing but a false step. The initial drop generally causes a great deal of damage, oftentimes fatal, and should you like you can always line the bottom with jagged spikes or broken glass. You can also choose to use a bottomless pit, delightful in that they allow the heroes to fall forever and ever. (Note: These are a physical impossibility, so you may need to improvise a bit.) Consider installing a pit of doom in your lair today!

Hopefully these few suggestions assist you in your crusades against the Forces of Good. Though please realize that this chapter only represents a few of the possibilities, and that there are truly endless means for stopping their depraved schemes. You are only limited by your imagination. Well, that and your budget.

Careers for the Evil Doer

Criminal Mastermind

This is the career most evil-doers strive for. To be head of a gigantic criminal empire, with armies of thugs that hold the citizens in thrall as your grip on the city grows ever tighter. But how do you get this most evil of jobs?

Believe it or not, you're actually going to want to start out small. Find a field of crime that you like, such as bank robbery or assassination, and practice it. Spend some time learning the crime world, and when you finally feel you are ready, expand out further. Hire some henchmen, give them some colorful outfits to make them 'unique', and before long you should have achieved the level of low-level crime boss.

Which brings you to your first problem. More than likely there will be quite a number of crime bosses with a slight problem of you moving in on their territory. They may even send out a couple of nice gentlemen named ***** and Icepick to explain this with a baseball bat. Fret not, for this is only to be expected, and remember: You are not a crime boss, but a criminal mastermind. You possess a superior intellect these individuals cannot even conceive of, and should therefore be able to evade their death traps with ease.
The time will then have come to strike. All the other crime bosses will think you are dead, toasting your ill health in their corporate skyscrapers and underground lairs. Move in quickly, murdering each with an outlandish weapon of your own creation. Offer their henchmen a choice between joining you and jumping into a vat of bubbling acid, and then outfit the survivors with mind control implants. Before long you will be indisputable crime lord of the city, kingpin of the underworld and master of terrible fates. The police will be in your pocket, the citizens will quake with fear, and nothing will exist that is able to stop you.

Well… Maybe there is one little problem. That new hero in town. You know, the one in spandex and a cape spouting nonsense about truth and justice and how your reign of terror will soon end. They aren't a threat, of course... but maybe you should send out your army of thugs to deal with them anyways. To stop this before it starts, and teach them a lesson. Just in case...

Corporate *******

"Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business." --

Montgomery Burns.

It doesn't hurt to slay your rivals too, but that's just an option. The career of corporate ******* is one of the most rewarding among evil-doers today, so why not get yourself a piece of the pie? The strangling hold of the multinational corporation has never been stronger!

There are two general ways to become a corporate *******:

1) Start your own business. Crush your enemies. Claw your way to the top.
2) Get hired at a corporation. Crush your enemies. Claw your way to the top.

As you can see, they're not very different. Their main distinguishing feature is that for the first you need some sort of actual product. This does not have to be anything created by you, as intellectual theft is both acceptable and encouraged. If that sounds like too much work then you may want to consider the second option and join up with a local corporation. Impress them with your blackmailing and backstabbing ability, and should you play your cards right (and sleep with the interviewer) they'll ****** you right up.
You now face the small matter of climbing the corporate ladder, an enjoyable game due to your lack of ethics. Crush anyone who gets in your way, dispatching your rivals quickly and without mercy. Before long you should be in a position of power and able to direct your attention outwards. You see, those many small businesses are the true threat and must be dealt with immediately. You will want to engage in numerous corporate takeovers, as well as have your army of lawyers sue them into the ground. Pacts with the dark gods also work quite well, anything that can stop this threat to your economic stranglehold.

Eventually all the competition will be destroyed, and you can spend your time gloating at the contemptible masses beneath you. This is perhaps one of the most rewarding aspects of being a corporate ******* (well, that and the money) and so should be performed at every opportunity. You can laugh and chortle as you realize the nation is now under your control, that all hope is lost and you have brought about forty years of darkness. Or four hundred, should you engage in proper long-term planning.

Horror Movie Villain

Many people opt to become a horror movie villain, a popular choice due to the near immortality and many sequels that come with the job. In this illustrious career you will get to wreak havoc upon any scantily-clad teenagers you might find, stalking them through the woods and then disemboweling them in the most inventive of ways. Or as an alternative you can instead appear to them in their dreams, manifesting as their worst nightmares and then murdering them while their sleep. You can even transform pain into pleasure or walk through their TV, it all depends upon the back story and your own imagination.

The first thing you will want to do obtain some props. These are vitally important, as they will define your methods and personal style. Some good props include:

Hockey mask
Glove with knives
Chainsaw
Hangman's noose
Puzzle box
Incredibly large knife
Ability to appear in a mirror after your name is said five times

Gaining immortality may be a bit more difficult. It used to be you could just get hit by lightning and then nothing could stop you, but these days there always has to be new and elaborate plot twists. Some of the old methods do still seem to work, however, and you may want to consider them:

Pact with the devil.
Get sentenced to the electric chair.
Get burned in the furnace where you killed all the children.
Wear the mystic amulet while you are gunned down in a toy store.
Make a deal with the creepy voodoo woman to avenge the death of your child.
Drown in the river while your camp counselors are too busy having sex, have your mom kill the bastards and then arise in the sequel.
Whichever you choose, just know that as soon as your heart stops beating the time for fun has begun. Stalk your victims with care, allowing them to trip several times and occasionally even get away. Let your theme music travel with you, as you appear across the lake and behind windows. Finally, make them scream like they've never screamed before, as they bury a hatchet in your head and discover that doesn't stop you. It's all in good fun, and don't even worry should they discover that electricity/sunlight/a proper burial is your one weakness. Your body will get reanimated somehow (it always is), and you will live to slay another day.

Necromancer

The career of necromancer is an excellent choice for evil-doers who are not a "people person." Though some might say there is not much point to turning the earth into one gigantic graveyard, these people are fools and will never understand anyway. Good career entry points for becoming a necromancer include occultists, dabblers in voodoo, grave diggers, morticians, possessed eight-year-old girls, and inheritors of scary books wrapped in human flesh.

That last choice is probably the best, because the first thing you're going need to do is obtain sort of Book of Evil. These blasphemous tomes are excellent sources of untold damnation and blasting any remnants of your sanity away. You can get most sorcerous books from your local occult book shop, though they have also been known to be found inside ancient tombs, Miskatonic University and any movie starring Bruce Campbell.

With your Book of Evil in hand, your next objective is to obtain corpses to fuel your army of the undead. The local cemetery is probably your best bet, but don't overlook nearby battlefields, the morgue, or simply making your own! If you start getting any doubts about what you are doing (the whole condemning innocents souls to an eternity of pain and suffering thing), rest assured that it's only your conscience. This shouldn't be too big of a problem, because as soon as you perform a few of the blasphemous rituals it will be nothing but a faded memory.

You should now have a large number of zombies under your command. Think of them like your children, or rather, cannon fodder. These shambling corpses will be used to execute your swath of destruction, so all that's really left is finding some poor group of schmucks to terrorize. Absolutely best are villages of medieval peasants, but due to cutbacks and the passage of several hundred years these are kind of hard to come by. You may thus want to simply use the nearby town, basing yourself at that deserted mansion no one ever goes to. Send forth your legions of the living dead, attacking the townsfolk and transforming them into zombies with every bite. Before long you will have a virtual army of the undead, which can then be sent to more towns, and more, until the world is yours.

Surgeon General's Warning: Known side effects for being a necromancer include loss of hair, pale skin, tomb rot, foul stench, eyes melting from their sockets, gibbering insanity, and eternal damnation.
Horseman of the Apocalypse

This adventuresome career is often not considered by evil-doers because of the religious undertones, but don't let that discourage you! Becoming a horseman of the apocalypse can be a very rewarding experience, with the death and destruction and rivers of blood, and if anything, looks good on a resume.

The Department of the Apocalypse suggests that applicants for each position hold one of the following backgrounds:

Death - Mass murderer War - Military general Famine - Founder of Jenny Craig Clinics Pestilence - Bio-Plague Designer

It is also a good idea to check out The Book of Revelations beforehand. This will show you the basic job description, the ins and outs of it and what is to be expected. It is also important to realize that you're going to be working for some guy named Jehovah (or rather, JHVH), apparently a major monotheistic deity. This doesn't look like it should be too big of a problem, however, because from what we've been able to piece together, with his smitings and damnations and casting into the lake of fire, he looks to be a pretty evil guy himself.

Come and see.
Avatar for a God/Demon/Supernatural Creature Beyond All Comprehension
Don't want to put in the effort it takes to be an evil overlord but still desire the destruction of all mankind? Then maybe you should become a supernatural avatar! This career is ideal for apprentice sorcerers and those who like meddling in Things Man Was Not Meant To Know. All you have to do is get possessed, lose all sense of self, and let Nyarlathotep take over and bring about the end of all things! And the best part is, you'll have made a difference.

There are numerous ways become a supernatural avatar. These include:

1) Find a copy of the Necronomicon.
2) Open the Mummy's Tomb.
3) Wait till the Stars are Right.
4) Steal the Idol from the Island Natives.
5) Wear the Mystic Amulet.
6) Let your Blood drip onto the Sacred Circle.
7) Plunge the Sacred Blade into your Heart.

Listen to the voices that say "All you have to do is let me in..."
9) Free the Supernatural Horror from its Thousand-Year Prison.
10) See the movie "Battlefield: Earth."

A warning on that last one... Some things are perhaps best left undisturbed.

Once you've let the monstrosity take over, there's really not that much left to do except sit back and watch. And scream in anguish. And claw your eyes out. And feel the flesh rip from your bones as the ancient god is reborn again and grows forty stories tall and devours everything that exists and brings about the destruction of all humanity.

Cult Leader

Perhaps one of the most rewarding of all evil jobs is that of cult leader. There's nothing quite like having an army of brainwashed zealots at your beck and call all willing to blow themselves up at a moment's notice. But not just anyone can fill these evil shoes. It takes a special someone, a man above normal men or woman above normal woman. So let's see if you've got what it takes.

First off, it is recommended you possess at least one of the following: supernatural charisma, awe-inspiring presence, a voice that must be obeyed, eyes that can do that spirally thing, and really bad personal hygiene. As an alternative, you can just read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, but it's not quite the same. If the above does describe you, however, then you should be able to pull off being a cult leader rather nicely.

The primary thing you're going to have to decide is exactly what type of cult you wish to form. Do you want to lead a doomsday cult? A free love cult? A messianic cult that worships you like a god? This is a very important decision, as it will determine whether you are surrounded by big guns or scantily clad women/men. This will also determine your message. For example, if you choose an apocalyptic cult, you must proclaim the end is near and that you are the only way to heaven. If you are an orgiastic sex cult, simply promise free love (best of all with you!) And if you are a messianic cult, say that you are the son of god. Or grandson. Or something.
Once that's decided, it's simply a matter of spreading your holy gospel. Good sites to do this are street corners, college universities, and the internet. It is a proven social law that as long as someone is ranting incoherently, frothing at the mouth and gibbering like a madman, someone will stop and listen. And then you will have them. Remember, you've got one of those oh-so-necessary character traits that makes you different from all the other gibbering maniacs. They will instantly be drawn in, and with each convert you will double the power of your message. You will suck in more and more until you literally have thousands of followers, all wanting to hear your divine message.

These poor downtrodden fools who are all missing something important from their lives need to be brainwashed immediately. Do not delay on this, because otherwise they may wise up to your true nature. To achieve proper mind control we suggest rhythmic chants, flashing lights, and constant prayers at twenty-foot tall statues of yourself. You will also want to beat down their self worth, and make sure they realize just how important it is for them sell all their material possessions so you can have twenty-three gold plated limousines. As if it weren't immediately obvious.

You will eventually need a holy compound to house all your mindless followers. You may want to draw up the plans yourself, as very few places nowadays come standard with a weapon arsenal, orgy chamber, and divine tower of heavenly ascendance. The compound also needs to be nearly impenetrable, as you will undoubtedly face regular attack from the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. It is also important to plan ahead. The numerous children you will inevitably sire need to be accounted for ahead of time when deciding your compound's size.

There shouldn't be any problem paying for this fortress, at least if you've done your brainwashing properly and stolen all their hard-earned money. If not, worry not, as you can always use your followers as a free source of labor. Just start beating on a large drum and the rhythmic pulse should soon direct them on exactly what to do. Before long your compound will be built and you can take your rightful seat on the throne to heaven, ruling as the god you've always known yourself to be.

Yes, you are now officially a cult leader. Free money, free love, and if you get declared a religion, exemption for taxes! Life is sweet.

Spammer
Warning: This is without a doubt the most depraved, foul, insidious and malevolent of all possible evil professions. If you choose this job you will be hated by good and evil-doers alike, becoming the lowest of all possible lows, with vigilantes hunting you and entire religions springing up devoted to your destruction. And not without good reason.

You will need: "Special $200 CD with email addresses lifted from USENET! All completely legal! Really!"

Also required: Overall worthlessness, wretched stench, complete and utter lameness, heart of darkness, unending depravity, lack of a soul, I.Q. the equivalent of pond scum, and the charm of a three-day-dead rat left festering in the sun that even the maggots won't touch because it's so ******* ugly and repulsive.

We won't actually go into the details of this job as it's far too disgusting, even for us. Nevertheless, as a spammer you will now honestly be able to say your downfall from humanity is complete, that your eternal damnation is assured and that none exist who can surpass you in vileness.

Now get away from me.

Evil Lair locations

Medieval Castle

One of the most popular lairs for evil-doers has always been the medieval castle. It's got atmosphere, it's desolate, and inspires terror in peasants and medieval townsfolk everywhere. You can stock your castle with all the basic amenities, including portcullis, moat, boiling oil, and gargoyle statues come to life. Many castles also commonly come with an armory for outfitting your minions, as well as a torture chamber we are sure you will find most useful. If you are an evil-doer who likes languishing upon a throne condemning innocent souls to a terrible fate, then a castle might just be the choice for you.

Giant Corporate Tower

The corporate skyscraper is another excellent base of operations, and one that is being seen with increased frequency these days. Perfect for company schemings and insider trading, this sinister abode will provide you a world within a world you can completely control. The workers can be beat down and demoralized as they toil in a honeycombed maze of cubicles, and your network of security cameras will eliminate any sense of privacy that may have once been felt. Furthermore, the sheer height of the tower can serve as an intimidation measure, as there is little more oppressive than standing beneath a structure so tall it literally bends over you. Why not choose a corporate tower today?

Underground Secret Headquarters of Doom

Perhaps what you're looking for is a gigantic underground complex housed miles beneath the earth's crust. To the untrained eye it looks nothing more than an isolated building in the middle of nowhere, but should you take the secret elevator within then all becomes horribly revealed. A diabolical lair of a demented madman, filled with doomsday machines and terrible devices. The sprawling expanse should provide ample room for the creation of your robot army, and the cryogenic tubes are useful for freezing yourself to awaken in a new and better world. Popular for their isolation from humanity as well as their 'only a madman could live here' feel, a subterranean lair is an excellent choice indeed.

Abandoned Church

Another excellent possibility for your lair is an abandoned church, preferably in a section of the city no one ever goes anymore. Besides the innate irony of such a locale, these former holy grounds can actually make quite sinister bases of operations. The entrance can be adorned with an upside-down crucifix, and further investigation can reveal blasphemous altars, secret chambers, and insane cultists trying to bring about the return of unspeakable gods. Many churches are also built upon the ruins of old pagan temples, which may possess tunnels leading to any number of lost civilizations. If heresy and sacrilege make you smile, then you may want to purchase an abandoned church today.

Fake Mountain

The fake mountain with a hollow interior is yet another site often used by evil geniuses. While on the outside it looks like any other mountain, with the flip of a switch you can transform it into a deadly fortress of doom! Where once stood rock can now stand rocket turrets, as the front opens up to reveal missile launchers and powerful artillery cannons. The central base can easily house your armies of destruction, and the whole thing folds up quite nicely when you are done playing with it. The only caveat with the fake mountain is that you should not place them in the middle of cities. They are for some reason too often noticed there.

Desert Island

Perfect for the evil-doer in need of a vacation, the desert island is an wonderful site for corporate headquarters and secret lairs. The scenic locale is ideal for greatly relieving your stress levels while at the same time providing an earthly paradise to destroy and despoil. Island natives are quite common on these, thus giving you a people to torment as well as rule over like a god. They are also quite good for the creation of mutant races, particularly if you are a mad scientist. If you've had it up to here with the hustle and bustle of city life and want something new, they you may want to consider this exotic alternative.

Amusement Park

Amusement parks are an especially fun-filled type of lair that have been treasured by supervillains for decades. The décor can easily be transformed into a carnival of horrors, with the roller coasters becoming death machines, fun houses filled with booby traps, and a hall of mirrors at the end for confronting the heroes. You can also theme the park any way you choose, creating such areas as Apocalypse Land, Evil Clown Land, or even Nightmares Made Flesh Land. The tunnel of love can become the tunnel of screams, and the ferris wheel can always be transformed into one big gatling gun. Perhaps best of all, however, it's a place you can the family, and be ensured wondrous memories that will last for years to come.

Space Station

One of the finest possibilities is not even located on this earth. That's right, a space station may be right for you, superb for plotting out your evil deeds far out of reach of any underfunded do-gooder. Space fortresses nowadays come standard with former Star Wars and SDI technology, and can be easily retrofitted with disrupter rays and cloaking fields. They also make an excellent base of operations for bringing about the destruction of the earth, particularly should you not want you yourself to be destroyed along with it. Though you may suffer from occasional alien attacks and the periodic asteroid, the space station is an excellent lair and should not be overlooked.

Classic Thugs

The classic thug has been the favored henchmen of criminal masterminds for decades. Be they mobsters with itchy trigger fingers or gangs of unwashed ruffians, nothing inspires fear quite like the hired thug. Their menial intelligence is usually enough to perform simple tasks such as "Bring me the money" or "Kill the heroes.". Perhaps more than all that, however, thugs are a nostalgia choice. They are a time honored tradition that will bring tears of happiness to evil-doers everywhere. They are also dime-a-dozen, so don't feel too bad if they die off rather quickly.

Corporate Suits

The business world has created a new legion of slime-coated individuals, known as the corporate cronies. These bad businessmen like nothing more than a good game of backstabbing and blackmail, and will be an excellent addition to your growing army. Perfect for hostile takeovers, they will crush your competitors and destroy people's lives through simple executive decisions. They are also masters of downsizing, and will lay off thousands of workers in times of unparalleled profits. If you want to employ a real ripe *******, then corporate cronies may be the choice for you.

Mutant Race

These unholy abominations are perfect for the evil genius who likes messing with god's creation. Through genetic realignment you can create an army of cat people, fish people, alligator people, even walking tree people, things that should not be and an affront to all that exists. Particularly suited to living on desert islands, these hybrids possess the best of both worlds and tend to be faster, stronger, and just plain better than any human troops could ever hope to be. They are also often quite rebellious, so you may want to install a doomsday gene in them that can kill them all with the push of a button. Tough love is always the best for situations like these.

Robot Warriors

Robot warriors are another superb option for the evil-doer, giving them an unstoppable army of killing machines unhampered by such weaknesses as mercy or compassion. These metallic automatons will serve you without question, destroying your foes with their ray guns and land-to-air missiles. They also are remarkably resilient, able to take an amazing amount of damage before finally being blown to pieces. You can also choose different forms for them to appear in, such as humanoid, tank-shaped, and fifty-story-high monstrosities beyond all comprehension. In fact, the only real problem with robot warriors is that elementary chaos theory states that all robots will eventually rise up and destroy their human masters. They're funny like that.

Computer Programmers

Not available until recently, the computer programmer is a new type of henchman that can help you control the information superhighway. Whether you need to hack the strategic defense computer, destroy the economy of Brazil or just slash some guy's credit rating, these overwhelming individuals are the ones to make it happen. Notable for their lack of ethics and powerful body odor, their very presence will inspire you to do great evil on all humanity. They are also available in three sizes: Large, Extra Large, and Dear God That's $%#^%# Large, thus giving you the choice between a mere overweight ******* and someone who blocks out the earth's sun. And you thought they weren't fearsome…

Animal Minions

Animal minions are an excellent choice for the evil-doer who has grown disenchanted with humanity. Instead of employing people (the vile beings that they are), you can instead utilize rats, cats, birds, or whatever strikes your fancy. These purrfect beasts can serve as your eyes and ears, murdering people in swarms and spying on the most secret of places. They can also serve as the children you never had, inheriting the earth after you wipe out the plague that is humanity. Though no one else understands you, rest assured that animals will forever be your friend. Unless they realize you're human too, in which case you might be in a bit of trouble.

The Undead

Dabblers in the black arts also have the possibility of summoning up a wide variety of supernatural creatures to assist them in their evil deeds. This can come in the form of gargoyles, demons, or shambling creatures from beyond, all of which are perfect instruments for murder and destruction. Notable for their supernatural strength and mystic powers, these horrific monstrosities will serve your every need provided you agree to help them fulfill their foul appetites. Since you are completely without conscience or mercy this shouldn't be too big of a problem. Unless they escape your control and eat you, supernatural creatures are a resource you just can't do without.

The Religious Right

Perhaps the most fearsome, horrendous, and truly evil of all possible henchmen, the religious right can make a nightmarish addition to any evil doer's army. Renowned for their savagery and terrifying ability to distribute religious pamphlets, these insidious individuals inspire fear through their very presence. Their television programming has been known to send more than one person skyrocketing to insanity, and their devotion to hate and rage rivals that of Latin American death squads. It must be noted, however, that one should not enter into an alliance with these people lightly. Due to their mind-numbingly psychotic nature, the evil genius may find himself out-eviled even by them.

Fashioon for the Evil Doer

We come now to perhaps the most agonizing decision you will be forced to make in your evil career. What to wear? How to display yourself? How to look "bad" and yet so damn good? These various choices have thus been provided to alleviate the pain of this decision.

Classic Black

Classic black has long been the dominant choice for evil-doers and their wardrobe. Sinister, foreboding, fashionable yet fearsome, it creates a mysterious air will providing additional benefits of sneakiness and stealth. Amazingly versatile, you will find it goes with almost anything, be it a business suit, leather jacket, trench coat or cape. You will also be extremely happy with the morose looks everyone gives you while you're draped head
to toe in it. While many hero-types and vigilantes now prefer this color as well, classic black still remains the most stylish fashion for villains across the globe today.

Supervillain Costume with Gimmicks

This is a excellent choice for the supervillain who has read too many comic books. Be it a green jumpsuit with question marks or an outlandish clown suit that shoots confetti, the gimmicky costume will bring contented smiles to demented fanboys everywhere. The eccentric garb can fulfill a dual purpose, allowing the evil-doer to both be easily remembered as well as providing a motif to theme oneself by (i.e. I am the Lizard, and use my tail shedding weapon on you.) It must be noted, however, that due to changing fashion trends spandex is no longer as widely applauded as it once was. User discretion is advised.

Robotic Exoskeleton

There are many benefits to adopting a robotic exoskeleton, and so this option should not be overlooked. The evil genius who was once frail and weak can now become an unstoppable juggernaut, gaining the strength of ten men and the durability of a tank. Machine guns and lasers can be attached to the sides and arms, plus should your body ever be destroyed your head can simply detach and rocket back to your underground lair. The only real drawback is that you may experience occasional problems getting served in public (as well as require the occasional lube job), but as any evil genius will tell you, it is a small price to pay.

Dark Gunslinger

This is the perfect choice for the period supervillain who wishes to become darkness incarnate. By wearing a low-brimmed hat and menacing poncho you can cause terror in all who cross you and supporting cast members everywhere. The pair of six-shooters that come standard will please you with their endless supply of bullets, and you will find that you never have to reload, just point and shoot. Furthermore, your arrival will be announced by strange bird calls, a sign to all that hear them they soon will be dead. You will become the man with no name, unless that name is death, as you walk the earth and leave a pile of dead bodies in your wake.

Brain in a Jar

Though this option does not allow for as much mobility and personal interaction as the others do, the brain in a jar has been a favorite among supervillains for decades. By suspending your brain in a slimy green goo you can effectively cheat death while gaining an amazing amount of gross-out factor. Your henchmen will be incredibly confused as you rant at them without any vocal cords, and your enlarged cerebral cortex will allow you to conceive of plans and schemes previously unattainable. And while you may not be able to enjoy your worldly assets anymore because of your lack of a body, you will still be filled with wrath and rage, which is all an evil genius truly needs.

Intelligence Transferred into a Computer

This selection is quite similar to brain in a jar, only modernized and with more benefits. Through the act of transferring your intelligence into a computer you can gain supreme amounts of power and access to information you never dreamed of. Television cameras will act as your eyes and ears, and robots your hands, as you bring about great evil from twenty miles beneath the earth's crust. You will be effectively immortal, and immoral too, for transforming oneself into binary code tends to wrench away any last bits of humanity one might have. Which is definitely a good thing, for destroying the earth becomes that
much easier.

Wearing the Skin of another Human

Perhaps you're not human at all, but a demon spawned from another world. Or maybe instead you're a necromancer, or someone who likes switching into other people's bodies. Whatever your story, you may want to try wearing the skin of another human. By concealing yourself in the flesh of your enemies you can constantly escape detection while committing all manner of evil. The different bodies will keep the authorities guessing, plus whenever you get bored you can simply shed your current skin and move on to the next. There is also a great deal of fun to be had in tormenting heroes with this fashion. For when he sees his lover literally rip out of her skin in front of him, the look on his face is priceless.

Never Revealing your Face

This final possibility is perhaps best of all, as it allows the evil-doer to remain completely unseen to the outside world. Instead of being known by any particular name or costumey gimmick, you can simply be the mysterious 'thing' that no one ever sees but knows truly exists. The nightmarish monstrosity only hinted in rumors and whispered in folktales, existing out there somewhere, ready to eat them should they get to close. The fact that no one ever sees you will only add to the legend, making you even more terrible and fierce. People fear what they do not know, and even if you do not really exist, you
will still be very fearsome indeed.

I Know Getting Started Can be hard Some Cults to Join

The Brotherhood of the Beast

Join this band of degenerate eskimos as they try to raise up Great C'thulhu from his massive undersea prison. The Stars are Right, so get out your sacrificial daggers because the Feaster from the Stars is about to return, and you can be the one who makes it happen! Become a pawn of the Great Old Ones, sacrifice your sanity to the Things That Should Not Be, and get a chance to visit the authentic Mountains of Madness. Disclaimer: Due to their non-Euclidean nature, Shoggoths will only be offered to the first ten who arrive.

The Children of the Damned

The Devil himself will personally welcome you into the ranks of the damned as you begin your new career of professional diabolist. Enter corporate society with the job of bringing positive spin to 'eternal damnation', all the time working your way up through demonic society with a unique chance to meet the Antichrist himself! The bureaucratic nature of this organization unfortunately require you sign away certain aspects of your being away (namely your soul), but rest assured you will receive your heart's desire in exchange to a lifetime of servitude to any number of demonic intelligences.
(Offer not valid in some states - Sorry, Tennessee!)

The Jack T. Chick Pamphleteers

Perhaps the most frightening and evil of all cults, this mind-control organization will eagerly welcome you into their ranks as they transform you into a brainwashed puppet-minion. Join now and get a chance to leave tiny religious comic books at ATM machines and bus stops and other assorted places, cluttering them all up with ignorant and reactionary waste products. By becoming a member you get to spout meaningless drivel to college students in front of libraries, condemning all sinners and fornicators to Hell with the smug knowledge that you alone will be saved as they writhe in eternal torment forever. Yeah right.

Here's my evil plan

Your objective is simple: Destroy the Earth.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: Revenge

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first assassinate a pope. This will cause the world to sense a grave disturbance in the force, frightened by your arrival. Who is this unholy menace? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in classic black?

Stage Two

Next, you must destroy united nations. This will all be done from a obsidian citadel, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will die in a way you just don't want to think about, as countless hordes of cultists hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must unleash your unholy weapon, bringing about horrors beyond man's comprehension. Your name shall become synonymous with insanity, and no man will ever again dare cross you. Everyone will bow before your superhuman powers, and the world will have no choice but to give you control of the planet.

No will read this ohh well....

LMAO i was going to post this on bng.net look at this

59827 characters over limit

LMAO

Edited by GMOF Slidell♥, 24 November 2008 - 10:23 PM.

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My Evil Plan

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